don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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