The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Is Oprah even human
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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