am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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