i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
