Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
