Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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