We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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