Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
