dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
