I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
