elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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