The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
