Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
