im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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