Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
