At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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