New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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