i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
