you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
