I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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