Where is the hickey?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
