Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize
