If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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