my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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