i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
