The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
