i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
