You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
