Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
