You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
