Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
