the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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