Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
