I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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