Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
