they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
