theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
