You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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