you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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