she woke up with a sticky ear
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
