let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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