I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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