Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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