Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
