wanna go halves on a baby?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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