My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
