Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You need a sexual gate keeper
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
