woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
