I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
