Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
