Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
