Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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