You really coming over, don't trick.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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