I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
